(a stream of consciousness-type self-centred mess of a blog post that I have not edited – read at your own risk)
When I was a kid I pictured that by the time I was 23 I would be settled, stable, and happy. I assumed that by now I’d know exactly what I wanted to do with my life, have a steady job, good savings, and great relationships. I was so envious of everyone who knew in high school what they wanted as a career and figured that I’d just leave that problem to future me to figure out. I specifically remember trying to figure out which program to take in CEGEP and one of my friends saying “I picture you in Liberal Arts” and I chose it because it sounded the least dull while still being semi-useful. That’s a solid way to choose a pathway right? Up until a couple of years ago I thought I had everything worked out. I always really enjoyed school, I was in a program I loved, had just gotten into law school which seemed like the logical next step and I was so excited for it, I was in a happy relationship, I felt like I was on a clear-cut path and knew exactly what I wanted and what I was doing. Cut to today – I’m in a program that – even though I dreamed of being in it for so long – makes me absolutely miserable, I make little effort to see the people I care about other than saying “I miss you” 10,000 times and hoping they initiate plans, and I have like 14 dollars in savings. It’s not all bad; I have great friends, I’m healthy, and my family is incredible and have been nothing but supportive, but sometimes that isn’t enough. Having other people’s support doesn’t automatically make you content within yourself, and thinking “other people have it way worse” only makes you feel better for about 3 seconds before you think “yeah, but some also have it way better”. I don’t mean that to sound ungrateful, I really have had a wonderful life, but it’s also always been a relatively safe one, and that’s starting to hit pretty hard.I always laughed at the idea of a quarter-life crisis but oh man is it currently in full swing. A few weeks back the thought “You’re going to be 26 in three years” popped into my head and it kept me up all night. All I want at 26 is to be able to know what the hell I’m doing and enjoy it, but I don’t know how to get there right now. I don’t know if it’s just the ~ millenial ~ mindset but I just can’t bear the thought of living a life that doesn’t make me happy and it’s hard to try being happy when you have no clue what you can do to lead yourself there. I know what I don’t like and what’s scaring me is that all those things seem to be exactly where I’m currently headed, so I need to realign my thoughts a little bit. I’m constantly torn between thinking that nothing matters in the grand scheme of things and thinking that every decision I make will drastically change the course of my life, which is a ridiculous way to live, I know, but that’s really been something that’s been holding me back from doing and saying things I wanna do and say. I should work on that.
Being in Los Angeles even for just a few days made me realize that it is possible to be in a field that you genuinely love and makes you want to get out of bed and kick ass at it even though the thought of that being possible seems so distant to me right now. I’ve taken the safe path my whole life and it was working out great until, well, it wasn’t. It’s gotten me here and while here isn’t the worst position to be in it’s just not working for me anymore. There are a little less than two months of summer left before I have to start school again and I plan on investing time into things that genuinely make me happy – concerts, comedy shows, exploring new places…, and maybe something will stick. Or maybe what I’m already thinking will somehow become less unrealistic and out of reach. I don’t know. Sometimes a place has the ability to alter your mindset completely and even though I’ve been to LA a handful of times already, this time around was different, and I really needed it. As much as I love the city I’m from there’s nothing holding me attached to it anymore and being somewhere else even for a few days has done me really well. That’s also why I haven’t been updating this blog very much. With all that’s been on my mind recently I haven’t been able to coherently put anything into words (as evidenced by this current disaster of a post). I actually thought about writing about how to get through a rut like this but who the hell am I to give anyone advice right now? Maybe if I eventually figure my shit out. I’ll keep you posted. One thing I can offer is to read a little bit. I can’t help but go back to these when I’m in need of some inspiration or just to feel better. If you’re at all in a similar position as me right now I highly recommend checking any of these out, depending on what you’re looking for I can pretty much guarantee you’ll either be smiling or inspired or both by the end of any of them:
- Bossypants – Tina Fey
- SoulPancake: Chew on Life’s Big Questions – Rainn Wilson
- The People Look Like Flowers at Last – Charles Bukowski
- Egghead – Bo Burnham
- Sick in the Head – Judd Apatow
PS I gladly take recommendations – hit me up.
Anyway. Here’s to the positives. I’ll be living on my own soon, and I’m really excited for a fresh start. There will definitely be move-in blog posts to come: renovations, organization, all that fun stuff that’s probably only actually fun to me and like, my dad. I have some concerts coming up in the next few months and thankfully those nights always make me feel lucky to be alive. I’ll get to see one of my favorite comedians soon. I can see my friends and family more now that I can stop stressing about school (temporarily). I have a fucking adorable dog (if you didn’t think I’d mention my dog in a post about my life you don’t know me well enough and quite frankly I’m insulted). I also know I’m far from alone in feeling this way, but for some reason people don’t like to communicate when they’re going through a tough time. I can’t really judge since I’m word-vomiting onto a blog post instead of to another human being but, hey, baby steps.
So yeah. This was a mess. But so is my head so at least I’m consistent. Things are looking up though, I think. In the words of the great immortal poet Jermaine Lamarr Cole (I’m so sorry), “my intuition is telling me there’ll be better days”. The readability on this post is marked as “Needs improvement” lmao. No shit. Ok that’s enough.